The Daily Burp

'Forever chemicals' limited in US tap water

In a move that has left tap water trembling in its pipes, US officials have finally put their foot down on 'forever chemicals', those sneaky, toxic substances that have been playing hide and seek in your drinking water. In a stroke of bureaucratic brilliance, they've hatched a new federal rule, a sort of regulatory superhero, designed to protect the innocent, unsuspecting public from these villainous toxins. So, raise your glasses, America, your tap water is about to get a whole lot less immortal.

boring version

Peter Higgs - the man who changed our view of the Universe

In a twist of cosmic proportions, Peter Higgs, the brainbox behind the universe's most radical rethink since someone decided to call it 'the universe', has been catapulted into the limelight. This scientific whizz-kid, who back in the 60s was already cooking up ideas that would make Einstein's hair stand on end, sparked a half-century long scavenger hunt for proof, and boy did they find it. Now, we're all living in Higgs' universe, whether we like it or not.

snoozefest version

Parched and shrinking - vital Moroccan dam dries up

In a stark revelation of nature's unforgiving thirst, the Moroccan dam, a once bloated water giant, now finds itself gasping for a drink. Satellite peeping-toms have laid bare this shocking tale of the drought's relentless assault on one of the nation's primary aqua arteries. The dam, once a wet wonder, now stands as a dry monument to the mercilessness of Mother Nature's water diet.

grown up version

Was an extinct fox once man's best friend?

In a twist of prehistoric pet politics, it seems man's first best friend may have been a fox, not a dog, according to the dust-covered scribblings of archaeologists. That's right, our ancestors were apparently more partial to the cunning, bushy-tailed creature than the drooling, tail-wagging canine. So, next time you're picking up after your pet pooch, remember - you could have been scooping up fox droppings instead.

profession version

Record hot March sparks 'uncharted territory' fear

The month of March, in a brazen display of temperature disobedience, has set a scorching record, leaving scientists in a sweaty state of confusion. The mercury's relentless ascent has plunged us into a fiery abyss of 'uncharted territory', with experts floundering to explain the scale of this recent thermal onslaught. It's like the Earth has cranked up its own thermostat and lost the manual.

not funny version

First ever climate change victory in Europe court

In a turn of events that's got the ice caps doing a merry jig, a group of Swiss grannies have emerged victorious in Europe's first climate change court case. "We're not here for the knitting," quipped one of the triumphant pensioners, her knitting needles presumably repurposed as makeshift gavels. It seems the only thing these ladies are stitching together is a brighter, greener future.

you dad's version

Fears opencast mine could become dangerous lake

In a twist of aquatic irony, the Ffos-y-Fran opencast mine, a once gaping wound in the earth's crust, is now on the brink of becoming a perilous lake. The local populace, gripped by the mortal fear of a sudden hydrological takeover, have voiced their "grave concerns" over the swelling water levels. It's a case of sink or swim, as the community braces for a possible deluge of damp proportions.

safe for work version

Together in wonder: North America awed by total solar eclipse

In an astronomical ballet that left North America gazing skyward with mouths agape, the moon pirouetted across the sun in a total solar eclipse. Millions bore witness to this celestial spectacle, their retinas imprinted with the cosmic dance. Here's a smorgasbord of their star-struck tales.

old fashioned version